After Isabel

The months following Isabel's birth are probably best forgotten by all!  Thank goodness I had those other kids to take care of - I'm not sure I would have gotten out of bed on some days.

The other day in Relief Society, we were talking about faith - what it is, how it works in our lives.  This was a time of faith for me.   I knew about Heavenly Father's plan of salvation.  I knew that I would be able to raise my daughter in the resurrection.  Those were, and still are, my core beliefs - the foundation for everything in my life.  But it was my faith that gave me the ability to get up each day. To keep functioning and doing everyday life things.  It was my faith that helped me to feel normal again - and then, gasp - even happy.  It took a while, but yes, I did feel happy.

You know how's there's that cliche about time healing all wounds.  Well, obvoiusly, it's true.  I haven't forgotten Isabel, and sometimes I still wish things could have been different.  Even now, when I see a girl with Down's Syndrome (especially when they are around the age Isabel would be now), my heart hurts.  But it's not the same.  Thankfully the acuteness of the pain has faded and only twinges are felt in unexpected ways at unexpected times.

Just like it says in the Book of Mormon "And it came to pass"....

So life moved on for us.  A few months later we were ready to have another baby.  But, for the first time ever...nothing.  Month after month passed, and still I wasn't pregnant.  Until 6 months later, when I was.

And then I wasn't.  I miscarried quite early - only about 5 or 6 weeks.

Mostly I was devasted.  I felt like I had already gone through enough.  I'd been waiting so long for a baby - and then a miscarriage on the heels of a stillbirth?  Really?

And under it all was the anger/disappointment/hurt pride - call it what you will - of not having things work out the way I had planned.  I'd wanted all my kids within 2 or 3 years of each other.  I'd figured on at least 6 before I was 37 - and then I'd see from there.  I didn't want one kid out of diapers before I had another one come along. 

But - oh the surprise of it all - it wasn't working out that way!!!  But I thought I was in charge of my own life!!

That was probably the biggest lesson I learned through this whole experience.  And I've never again assumed that I could map out my life and have it go a certain path.  However, it hasn't stopped me from trying to plan...I've just stopped expecting it to work!

It's like I grew up.